Fractured Reflectionss | msmarcy's Blog

Dec 31 2012......  Happy New Year everyone...... except me that is....

While this has been a wonderful year in the fact that I came out to my wife, and she accepted me as a man that likes to crossdress.  Heck she even takes me shopping now, and fully interacts with my other personality.  The problem is still me.......

No matter how much makeup, or hair, or pretty clothes I wear... it is still that same masc face looking back from the mirror.  I try to push the image aside and see the lady that lives within... but no matter the effort... my exterior is what it is...  I am the ugly duckling, but there is no swan for me to become.  I may put on pretty feathers, and in my mind be transformed... but Im still just a duckling in a pretty package.

I guess I shouldent be in this mood.  But recently I was in a chat room and some comments have made me kinda sad.  But I suppose in order to understand them.. you need some background info.  Here we go... I am a 43 year old man, six foot two.. two hundread and thirty pounds, and very masculin....  Im sure there are many people that this sounds ideal to.. and in many ways it is.  And it should be noted that I do love my masc side... but as you can guess from this last statement.. it is not my only persona side.... no indeed... for I.. am also a man that enjoys crossdressing.  I thrill in the luxury of satin and silk, panties and bras, slips and garters... from ladies suits to fetish wear.. I love it.  And within me there is a mental picture of the lady inside me.  An image I can never achieve.  Since my job is in the government I must keep this side of my life to myself for the most part.  Which means no drastic alterations such as removal of the body hair that covers most of me.

So with that being said.. I return tothe chat room topic.  Here I was in a room for Crossers to talk... I finally have the nerver to dress and be on camera... At first I am scared.. what if I am recognised... ect ect... you can imagine... but I push it aside.  For several moments I just watch the chat untill decided I will say hello.  It is then that I am noticed.. the number of people watching my camera grows.. there are hellos and welcomes.. Iam thrilled.. finally a time for Marcy... and just as I begin to relax the comment comes through.....

Hay Marcy... looks like you need a shave... youre looking kinda manish.....

While outwardly I give no perception of my inner thoughts I feel the wave crush me.  I give a quick reply of not being able to do it regularly, ect ect.....   But my mind is screeming at me... "Why cant I just be?"  Why cant I find a place to be accepted?.... What can I do?

And so here I am...days have passed since the chat... and my feelings of being a fractured person grow stronger.  I am my masc side... it is part of who I am and dont wish it to be gone.  It is responsible for my marriage and my job, and my children.  I also love my femm side... it gives me pleasure, and softness, and ways to deal with stress that my other side cant......

But as I look to the mirror once more... I am content with neither....

This Blog Entry's Comment Board (1 comment)
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Posted on 11:01PM on Jan 4th, 2013
I don't recognize your pain but my heart goes out to you. Try to be strong. Try to love yourself with all your flaws. The fact that you are trying to accept yourself makes you worthy of love. Be your own best friend and love yourself.
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