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msmarcy's Blog


I am not your sex toy

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Reality vs expectation

Why is it soooo damn hard to bring out the inner me.  Went hair shopping yesterday, and while we found a wig that is the right color, when on it seemed to only emphasize my masc features.  Why oh why, can I not find a way to be beautiful?  Why cant I match that image in my mind to the one i see in the mirror?  What am I doing wrong?

the emotional confusion

So wife and I had another girls night last night.  it was pretty fab actually.  I got all dolled up, we drank wine, watched "Easy A", and chatted.  During it we did our toes.  A great night right?... But then after when it was time for bed, and even more so when I arose theenxt morning, I felt like I had done something wrong.  It felt the same as if I had cheated on her in some way... the guilt, shame, fear... very simular emotions.  So here i am wondering why.  My wife as you have read is totally accepting of Marcy, and her role in my life, is willing to help me on my journey, and is very supportive.  She felt last night went very well and was a lot of fun.  So why do I feel the negitive emotions.  Is it all due to societal conditioning?  Who knows.  Anyone else feel these feelings, despite the support of their partner?   Thoughts?

Comming out

Wow... finally posted my comming out story, and what positive fedback.  Life certainly chaged once I came out to my wife, and things I admit are going well.  Less stress in my life and more openness.

Flattered

OK... so interesting topic here.  Recently I have begun to be more out-going, and have been showing my face on camera when dressed.  As a result, I have been interacting with men in the chat rooms, and many have expressed flattery towards my appearance.  I have to admit there is a thrill that runs down my spine, when ever one of them calls me beautiful, or some other flattering compliment.  So here is the question... do others who dress feel this same thrill? 

Flattered

OK... so interesting topic here.  Recently I have begun to be more out-going, and have been showing my face on camera when dressed.  As a result, I have been interacting with men in the chat rooms, and many have expressed flattery towards my appearance.  I have to admit there is a thrill that runs down my spine, when ever one of them calls me beautiful, or some other flattering compliment.  So here is the question... do others who dress feel this same thrill? 

Life continues to improve

So for once a completly positive post..lol.. Things here at the Field's residence are going well.  Since having some very deep chats with my wife, I have had complete freedom to explore and grow and develope.  I am thriled.  We do more shopping, and general errands together, we share makeup and girl times, and she has begun to find a wonderful friendship with my female personality.  It is such a wonderful life to be able to be completly free.

The Why

OK... so today was a good day... been shaving, and getting the body hair gone at last.... and practicing the makeup again.... decided a nice get dresed and chat was in order.  During the chat, I asked for opinions on how i looked.... and the first response... from  a  gurl that now lives full time as female... was... Why are you asking... what is your motivation.

I had to pause a moment as I have never been asked that before.... my motivation as to why ask what peoplethink when they see me on camera...... Well firstly... I guess I want to know how I compare.  There are lots of beautiful crossdreswers, TG, and such in the rooms... how do I stack up.  Second... am I pretty.  If you look at me do you find me attractive?  Third deals with fears.... sometimes when I am dressed I still only see the masc side in frilly trappings.  I want to know what others see.  That way I can learn to relax and see the woman in me.  And finally... I guess I ask because i am looking for acceptance, friends, and perhaps even love as the woman I am.

Perhaps I am just wierd... or messed up... but my masc side has lots of friends... my female side next to none.  I want to have relationships that are based on who Marcy is.  Is that wrong?

Shaving.... oy vey

Ok... so after much discussion and some more work with my lovely wife... She decided she was fine with me shaving the body hair.  I remember doing it once way back when... I was a lot younger... and tonight figured on going for it.  So.. into the tub... razor in hand.... lets go for the legs..... it started off quite fine... but soon realized I had forgotten to take into account that the blade will dull faster and cause problems, and that the hair on the backs of the legs might be a weee bit tricky to get at......  Well I am a very hairy person, and after 30 miutes of shaving I had most of one leg done.  Rinse, lather the other.. ok.. next right?... Well here is where the dullness played its hand... yup.. cuts.. one nasty one for sure... i was bleeding quite fluently.. but tried to finish.....

All in all most of my legs are done, and the clump of hair left in the drain stop could match any long haired vixens anyday.... final result.. legs look pretty damn sexy.. except the odd band aid, and no doubt now that the larger hair is gone it will get easier..... but im thinking of trying a hair removel cream next time...lol

Whats new

So as of late I have begun to take my female role further and further out of the closet as it were.  I have begun to have chats online where I am dressed, and instead of just showing body shots I have actually begun to show my face.  I take the time to try and do my make up the best I can, and so forth.  in the last month I have been blessed by meeting three people that are really wonderful.  The first two are a pair (Couple) from the UK.  The husband like me, enjoys crossdressing... the wife is fully supportive, and in fact it has developed to where she engages as his mistress (in the Dominant way)... it seem to fulfil a need or desire in each of them, and allows the crossdressing to be accepted fully by each.
The third person is a lady from New York.  We met in a chat room, and despite the fact that I am dressed en Femme... we hit it off.  When she found out I was a man biologically she never balked at it at all.  In both cases the positive feedback and solid conversations have really helped me to be more comfortable being open and out whith who I am.
This has allowed me to be ever more comfortable with the conversation with my wife about my other side, and the more we talk, the more she proves to be an amazing and accepting woman.  She helps me shop for stuff, gives me feedback on topics, and even for example tonight... we are going to have our first at home girls night... we will dress in our pj's, have foot baths, mani and pedicures, do each others nails, and even facial masks... all while sharing some wine, and watching movies.
i am blessed and thrilled that my wife is willing to walk this road with me.

back again

Hello everyone. So here i am.. back again giving this site another try. It has been a while sine I last had the opportunity to let my femme side loose, and today I decided it was time to go all out. I took my time.. did my make up, nails, picked out my clothes.... and donned my wig. yet still in the mirror i was not happy. The normal seeing the man still looking back despite the femme trappings... but I shrugged and went on with my day. About an hour later I decided my hair was getting into my eyes and got a head band to fix the problem. To my surprise a miracle happened. sliding the head band in place and pulling the hair back out of my face had the opposite result I thought would happen. I expected it to make me seem more masc, but the simple act of pulling the hair back away from my face, rounded out my look, and gave me a softer, less masc look. i was sooo thrilled I practically squealed. Sometimes the small things really do make all the difference... and today my world is a brighter place for knowing it.

Hugs and kisses

Holiday madness

So here we are.. another holiday season comes to a close.  The insanity of present shopping, feast making, family gatherings now gives way to the return to the regular routine work day.  But in the madness came some moments of wonder and ease.

I have to admit that at this time of year it is the outright easiest for a man to buy lingerie and ladies wear.  The shop keepers are so busy, that they just assume that you are shopping for a wife or lover and help you quickly find what you are looking for, before turning to the next person.  Anonymity in the midst of a room full of people.  Though there was one moment when another custome.. a young (20-ish) girl noticed me comparing several items, and gave a knowing kind of nod.  Bless her for not being freaked out.

And with the end of the vacation time reached, the opportunity for extended times in my femme persona will return to small pockets of bliss.  Oh well... you can only take advantage of what life gives you right.

Well all my lovley gurl friends, and ladies and gents.  I hope the holiday was good to you all, and that you are good to each other.  Happy New year.
 

The confusion of acceptance

I live in the delema of acceptance I find.  Here I am... a dream situation... I love to dress in the wonderfully feminin clothes that society says as a man i should not wear... and my wife accepts and supports my desire to do so.  yet even with her repeated acceptance of it as part of my life I have trouble allowing that side of myself out in front of her.  Is it my male side that is worried that I am less than a person because I have these desires.. is that what holds me back?  Here it is the festive time of the year and when asked what i want for Christmas.. I want to scream a new dress or high heels, or that sexy corsett.... and yet I cannot let that voice be heard.  Something within me prevents its sound.  Fighting against the people that prevent you from doing what you want is easier it seems.. then believing in the acceptance from the ones that are closest to you....

desires

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Shoes...arrrrrgh

Ok.. so to me.. nothing helps to complete my self image of the inner me, than a nice pair of high heels or slutty boots..... but like most things in the universe there is a catch.... I have size 10 man feet... which works out to be like a size 14 gurl size...... and does any store carry nice sexy heels and boots in that size... nope... so I am at a loss to find shoes readily available.  What is a gurl to do?????

questions of future

As you may have read, last year marked a significant point in my life where I finally came out to my wife that I enjoy dressing as a woman.  And for her part she has accepted it, and even helped me to embrace it more.  We have gone clothing shopping, had girl dates, even had romantic dinners and sex all while I was Enfemme... So you would think.. hey this one has made it... this person has it all.  Yet still fears exist.  I still often find myself worrying that it somehow lessens me in her eyes (though she has never given any indication of such) or that she somehow thinks me a freak somehow ( again my own fears here).

So while I embrace the delight of being able to dress when I choose, each time I am left with the fears that it may affect our relationship.  Each time confusion, and doubt taint the joy of this special time, and I wonder if it is the same for others like me.

The light at the end

Ahhhhhhh... almost there.  Been a crazy spring for business travel, and I cant even remember when I last slept in my own bed.  The spring tours are usually a fun time and this one had its ups and downs.   The problem is that when I am on the tour I have to be the me society expects... my job kinda depends on it... so I dont have time to switch him off and let my inner vixen out to play or relax. 

But now at last the tour is over and soon I will be home.  i get almost giddy when I think on it.   Soon Ill be back to frilly panties, sexy stockings, and piles of lingerie.....lol... I may just have to pile it on the bed and roll around in it.  But what to do first?????

I am thinking of a nice bottle of shiraz, and some chocolate covered strawberries, a hot bath with lots of bubbles. open up the makeup drawer and let my artistic flair go wild.... some sxy perfume... then once the heat of my body has dissapated from the bath, slide on my pink bra and panties... some hose, and over top my tube dress..mmmmmmmmm i can just feel the fabric against my skin...... I soooo cant wait.... all thats missing is company...to play with


A question to the universe and other CD's

What do you do when you know you cant be either the person you were born as, or the person you think you should be?   For so long I have tried to reconcile these two differnt people.  I like who I am as a man when I am a man, when I step out of him and bring on my ladyness I like her.... The trouble is.. as a man i see only the man, yet at times feel as the woman feels.. her thoughts her emotions.  When I become the woman I look in the mirror and see only a man in beautiful cothes... no sleek, no sexyness.. just blockish manliness under satin layers and makeup.  I dont want to lose my man side.. i just wish I could feminize it a bit so that perhaps the inner lady would be seen as well.

Darkness ever falling

Despair, sadness, pain and anguish, fear, shame.... People sometimes ask me what does it feel like to be a person that crossdresses.  And I usually begin with that very sentence.  Sure, when I am dressed up and feeling pretty I have moments of beauty and bliss, but when the initial glow fades you realize that you are alone sitting in your room.  Alone.. because society labels you a freak, abnormal, outcast, or strange.  You exercise your right to be who you want to be, and yet are a prisoner none-the-less for it.  If you are brave enough or strong enough you take your world and thrust it out into society, and with luck and hope you manage to carve a niche out there for yourself.  But more often than not.. you end up attacked both verbally and physically... your body beaten, your faith shaken, and your hopes of standing freely, shattered, as you sink back into the world within your room.  Your safe haven.

Why are we as a people so afraid of what is different?  Is it all the years of propaganda and TV that says different is bad that does it, or are we as a whole just too self destructive as a people?  I wish I knew.  Why cant we just look at the person that is different and say to them... maybe I dont like how you look or what you believe or how you live your life... but as long as it does not harm anyone else.. I support your right to do it.

I have two lives... and I love them both.  I have my man side.. he deals with the daily work and the world around me.  He is the protector and provider to my family.  He is the person that might be teaching your kid baseball, or fighting to change laws.  He is a loving father, a loyal husband, a trusted friend.  I have my Lady side.  She lets me explore the softer side of my personality, to embrace emotions, to look at the world differently.  She enjoys the soft flowing dresses, the hug of a new bra or corsett.  She is gentle and willing to listen to you if your day has been bad.  She is the person that will do anything to help you.  Both these people are me, and they get along just fine.  i will admit that sometimes sadness comes in that I cannot perfect bringing my lady from inside to out.  But that is just a fact of life, as there is only so much you can accomplish when transforming. 

But if I am happy with these people living in my body, and happy to display them to the world... why cant that world be happy to see them?  Or if not happy.. why cant it just accept that they are there and let me live my life?  I sit today watching the rain... being beautiful not even in the cards.  As I sip my glass of wine , trying not to let go of the beautiful lady within, to the horrors the worl delivers to me.. and those like me... just because we are different... just because our path is not the same as everyone elses..

Happy New Year

Well here it is 2013.... we have made it through the supposed Rapture, the Zombie invasion, and yes even the Myans end of days.... so whats next?

Well I admit I was a little down yesterday... well ok.. a lot.... but decided that I cant change people, their views, or their manners.  So instead I will just take each day and have fun.  With that in mind i went panty shopping today.  I love boxing day sales.....I must have bought 20 pairs of panties and 10 bras today.. as well as other intimates.  I have spent my entire evening trying on the new items and decided which outfite they go with best... add in the 2 bottles of Shiraz and yep.. its been awesome



1-19 of 19 Blogs   

Previous Posts
I am not your sex toy, posted December 10th, 2014
Reality vs expectation, posted December 7th, 2014
the emotional confusion, posted December 6th, 2014
Comming out, posted November 30th, 2014
Flattered, posted November 30th, 2014
Flattered, posted November 30th, 2014
Life continues to improve, posted November 29th, 2014
The Why, posted November 20th, 2014
Shaving.... oy vey, posted November 17th, 2014
Whats new, posted November 14th, 2014
back again, posted November 9th, 2014
Holiday madness, posted January 2nd, 2014
The confusion of acceptance, posted December 21st, 2013
desires, posted December 1st, 2013
Shoes...arrrrrgh, posted July 6th, 2013
questions of future, posted July 1st, 2013
The light at the end, posted June 13th, 2013
A question to the universe and other CD's, posted June 7th, 2013
Darkness ever falling, posted April 23rd, 2013
Happy New Year, posted January 1st, 2013
Fractured Reflectionss, posted December 31st, 2012, 1 comment

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