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Hello again, and thanks for tuning in....
well today has been a little more interesting than most. You see I work for a very male dominated employer, and we have uniforms and regulations. Appearance and the corporate image are everything to t his company. Well as I got to work today and began to change into my uniform, one of my bras.. a very sexy black lace number slipped out of my bag. Thankfully no one was in the locker room to see it, and it gave me the idea. I looked around, saw no one else there, and decided to wear it under my uniform shirt and jacket. I felt so naughty, and thrilled to be breaking the ruled without anyone knowing.
For the entire day I felt its sexy embrace under my uniform. And in my private moments in the bathroom stall, I would open my jacket and unbutton two or three buttons and rub the material against my skin. It was glorious. And it had the effect that I for some reason stayed calmer in all the stressful situations through the day. Perhaps it let a little crack of my female serenity come through.
Anyhoo it was an incredible beautiful day, and very naughty sexy. Though t here was a moment when I thought one girl I work with might have cought on. She had placed her hand on my back while we were looking at some reports at my desk. it was right where the band of the bra was. She didnt seem to notice, and didnt react.. so I think I got away with it.... Perhaps I will do it again sometime... it was a thrill
Ok.. so to me.. nothing helps to complete my self image of the inner me, than a nice pair of high heels or slutty boots..... but like most things in the universe there is a catch.... I have size 10 man feet... which works out to be like a size 14 gurl size...... and does any store carry nice sexy heels and boots in that size... nope... so I am at a loss to find shoes readily available. What is a gurl to do?????
As you may have read, last year marked a significant point in my life where I finally came out to my wife that I enjoy dressing as a woman. And for her part she has accepted it, and even helped me to embrace it more. We have gone clothing shopping, had girl dates, even had romantic dinners and sex all while I was Enfemme... So you would think.. hey this one has made it... this person has it all. Yet still fears exist. I still often find myself worrying that it somehow lessens me in her eyes (though she has never given any indication of such) or that she somehow thinks me a freak somehow ( again my own fears here).
So while I embrace the delight of being able to dress when I choose, each time I am left with the fears that it may affect our relationship. Each time confusion, and doubt taint the joy of this special time, and I wonder if it is the same for others like me.
Ahhhhhhh... almost there. Been a crazy spring for business travel, and I cant even remember when I last slept in my own bed. The spring tours are usually a fun time and this one had its ups and downs. The problem is that when I am on the tour I have to be the me society expects... my job kinda depends on it... so I dont have time to switch him off and let my inner vixen out to play or relax.
What do you do when you know you cant be either the person you were born as, or the person you think you should be? For so long I have tried to reconcile these two differnt people. I like who I am as a man when I am a man, when I step out of him and bring on my ladyness I like her.... The trouble is.. as a man i see only the man, yet at times feel as the woman feels.. her thoughts her emotions. When I become the woman I look in the mirror and see only a man in beautiful cothes... no sleek, no sexyness.. just blockish manliness under satin la
There are days like today that seem so unfair. About 5 weeks ago I was attacked while coming out of a bar downtown... the reason for the attack you might ask... simply because I am a cross-dresser. Three boozed up guys saw me standing waiting for my taxi, began to push me around and call me names.. and then for no reason at all... beat me. i was fortunate that one of the bouncers saw it and came to my aid. They broke my nose, my jaw, three ribs, my right forearm, and gave me a mild concussion. Along with bruises and cuts over the surface of my body. The other casualties.. my beautiful blue dress, and my feeling of security, personal independence, and mental happiness. And as you read this you would think like any compassionate human.. wholly crap batman that's awful.... but wait.. that's not the truly bad part.
After the 4 surgeries, and visits to the plastic surgeon, and the weeks of recovery... I nervously went for the trial date of the accused attackers.... and what do you suppose happened.. the judge decides that since I have no witnesses to the event.. and that the bouncer only saw the men fleeing as he ran out... that there was not enough evidence to charge them... that the camera that captured the beating, was not evidence of sufficient quality to pursue punishment.
He stated that he was sorry for my pain..... as he banged the gavel to dismiss the case and let my attackers free
Despair, sadness, pain and anguish, fear, shame.... People sometimes ask me what does it feel like to be a person that crossdresses. And I usually begin with that very sentence. Sure, when I am dressed up and feeling pretty I have moments of beauty and bliss, but when the initial glow fades you realize that you are alone sitting in your room. Alone.. because society labels you a freak, abnormal, outcast, or strange. You exercise your right to be who you want to be, and yet are a prisoner none-the-less for it. If you are brave enough or strong enough you take your world and thrust it out into society, and with luck and hope you manage to carve a niche out there for yourself. But more often than not.. you end up like me... attacked both verbally and physically... your body beaten, your faith shaken, and your hopes of standing freely, shattered, as you sink back into the world within your room. Your safe haven.
Why are we as a people so afraid of what is different? Is it all the years of propaganda and TV that says different is bad that does it, or are we as a whole just too self destructive as a people? I wish I knew. Why cant we just look at the person that is different and say to them... maybe I dont like how you look or what you believe or how you live your life... but as long as it does not harm anyone else.. I support your right to do it.
I have two lives... and I love them both. I have my man side.. he deals wit hthe daily work and the world around me. He is the protector and provider to my family. He is the person that might be teaching your kid ba
But if I am happy with these people living in my body, and happy to display them to the world... why cant that world be happy to see them? Or if not happy.. why cant it just accept that they are there and let me live my life? I sit today watching the rain... being beautiful not even in the cards as I wait for the bruises, the breaks, cuts, and scrapes to heal. As I sip my glass of wine and try to numb out the flashbacks from the attack. Trying not to let go of the beautiful lady within, to the horrors the worl delivers to me.. and those like me... just because we are different... just because our path is not the same as everyone elses.... just because I am a crossdresser...
Well here it is 2013.... we have made it through the supposed Rapture, the Zombie invasion, and yes even the Myans end of days.... so whats next?
Well I admit I was a little down yesterday... well ok.. a lot.... but decided that I cant change people, their views, or their manners. So instead I will just take each day and have fun. With that in mind i went panty shopping today. I love boxing day sales.....I must have bought 20 pairs of panties and 10 bras today.. as well as other intimates. I have spent my entire evening trying on the new items and decided which outfite they go with best... add in the 2 bottles of Shiraz and yep.. its been awesome
Only thing missing is perhaps a well endowed stranger or buxom lass to ravish me.... takers?????
Dec 31 2012...... Happy New Year everyone...... except me that is....
While this has been a wonderful year in the fact that I came out to my wife, and she accepted me as a man that likes to crossdress. Heck she even takes me shopping now, and fully interacts with my other personality. The problem is still me.......
No matter how much makeup, or hair, or pretty clothes I wear... it is still that same masc face looking back from the mirror. I try to push the image aside and see the lady that lives within... but no matter the effort... my exterior is what it is... I am the ugly duckling, but there is no swan for me to become. I may put on pretty feathers, and in my mind be transformed... but Im still just a duckling in a pretty package.
I guess I shouldent be in this mood. But recently I was in a chat room and some comments have made me kinda sad. But I suppose in order to understand them.. you need some background info. Here we go... I am a 43 year old man, six foot two.. two hundread and thirty pounds, and very masculin.... Im sure there are many people that this sounds ideal to.. and in many ways it is. And it should be noted that I do love my masc side... but as you can guess from this last statement.. it is not my only persona side.... no indeed... for I.. am also a man that enjoys crossdressing. I thrill in the luxury of satin and silk, panties and bras, slips and garters... from ladies suits to fetish wear.. I love it. And within me there is a mental picture of the lady inside me. An image I can never achieve. Since my job is in the government I must keep this side of my life to myself for the most part. Which means no drastic alterations such as removal of the body hair that covers most of me.
So with that being said.. I return tothe chat room topic. Here I was in a room for Crossers to talk... I finally have the nerver to dress and be on camera... At first I am scared.. what if I am recognised... ect ect... you can imagine... but I push it aside. For several moments I just watch the chat untill decided I will say hello. It is then that I am noticed.. the number of people watching my camera grows.. there are hellos and welcomes.. Iam thrilled.. finally a time for Marcy... and just as I begin to relax the comment comes through.....
Hay Marcy... looks like you need a shave... youre looking kinda manish.....
While outwardly I give no perception of my inner thoughts I feel the wave crush me. I give a quick reply of not being able to do it regularly, ect ect..... But my mind is screeming at me... "Why cant I just be?" Why cant I find a place to be accepted?.... What can I do?
And so here I am...days have passed since the chat... and my feelings of being a fractured person grow stronger. I am my masc side... it is part of who I am and dont wish it to be gone. It is responsible for my marriage and my job, and my children. I also love my femm side... it gives me pleasure, and softness, and ways to deal with stress that my other side cant......
But as I look to the mirror once more... I am content with neither....
Previous Postsdesires, posted December 1st, 2013
A little at work, posted July 9th, 2013, 2 comments
Shoes...arrrrrgh, posted July 6th, 2013
questions of future, posted July 1st, 2013
The light at the end, posted June 13th, 2013
A question to the universe and other CD's, posted June 7th, 2013
So unfair, posted May 20th, 2013
Darkness ever falling, posted April 23rd, 2013
Happy New Year, posted January 1st, 2013
Fractured Reflectionss, posted December 31st, 2012, 1 comment
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