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msmarcy's Blog


Prancing in pilferred panties

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Prosthetic hunting

Hello again and welcome back to my crazy life.  Today finds me in the age old quest for a good prosthetic.  I've decided that atthis point in my life i just cant go the hormone route and shaving is just a hell unto itself.  So what about prosthetics....  I have seen some really nice ones offered online in different places... most costing half a months pay at the least... but ones that would at least cover the top of my shoulders down to below the breasts and look more natural... they would also allow me to wear the low cust dresses i have been dreaming of....

So whats the problem right.... well for the most part none.. except I cant seem to find any locally.. they all seemto be in japan or such... I would prefer to buy either in Canada or the US.
Does anyone know of such a company..... if so please feel free to chat me or post... would love you forever...

Marcy

Holiday madness

So here we are.. another holiday season comes to a close.  The insanity of present shopping, feast making, family gatherings now gives way to the return to the regular routine work day.  But in the madness came some moments of wonder and ease.

I have to admit that at this time of year it is the outright easiest for a man to buy lingerie and ladies wear.  The shop keepers are so busy, that they just assume that you are shopping for a wife or lover and help you quickly find what you are looking for, before turning to the next person.  Anonymity in the midst of a room full of people.  Though there was one moment when another custome.. a young (20-ish) girl noticed me comparing several items, and gave a knowing kind of nod.  Bless her for not being freaked out.

And with the end of the vacation time reached, the opportunity for extended times in my femme persona will return to small pockets of bliss.  Oh well... you can only take advantage of what life gives you right.

Well all my lovley gurl friends, and ladies and gents.  I hope the holiday was good to you all, and that you are good to each other.  Happy New year.
 

Holiday madness

So here we are.. another holiday season comes to a close.  The insanity of present shopping, feast making, family gatherings now gives way to the return to the regular routine work day.  But in the madness came some moments of wonder and ease.

I have to admit that at this time of year it is the outright easiest for a man to buy lingerie and ladies wear.  The shop keepers are so busy, that they just assume that you are shopping for a wife or lover and help you quickly find what you are looking for, before turning to the next person.  Anonymity in the midst of a room full of people.  Though there was one moment when another custome.. a young (20-ish) girl noticed me comparing several items, and gave a knowing kind of nod.  Bless her for not being freaked out.

And with the end of the vacation time reached, the opportunity for extended times in my femme persona will return to small pockets of bliss.  Oh well... you can only take advantage of what life gives you right.

Well all my lovley gurl friends, and ladies and gents.  I hope the holiday was good to you all, and that you are good to each other.  Happy New year.
 

The confusion of acceptance

I live in the delema of acceptance I find.  Here I am... a dream situation... I love to dress in the wonderfully feminin clothes that society says as a man i should not wear... and my wife accepts and supports my desire to do so.  yet even with her repeated acceptance of it as part of my life I have trouble allowing that side of myself out in front of her.  Is it my male side that is worried that I am less than a person because I have these desires.. is that what holds me back?  Here it is the festive time of the year and when asked what i want for Christmas.. I want to scream a new dress or high heels, or that sexy corsett.... and yet I cannot let that voice be heard.  Something within me prevents its sound.  Fighting against the people that prevent you from doing what you want is easier it seems.. then believing in the acceptance from the ones that are closest to you....

desires

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A little at work

Hello again, and thanks for tuning in....

well today has been a little more interesting than most.  You see I work for a very male dominated employer, and we have uniforms and regulations.  Appearance and the corporate image are everything to t his company.  Well as I got to work today and began to change into my uniform, one of my bras.. a very sexy black lace number slipped out of my bag.  Thankfully no one was in the locker room to see it, and it gave me the idea.  I looked around, saw no one else there, and decided to wear it under my uniform shirt and jacket.  I felt so naughty, and thrilled to be breaking the ruled without anyone knowing. 

For the entire day I felt its sexy embrace under my uniform.  And in my private moments in the bathroom stall, I would open my jacket and unbutton two or three buttons and rub the material against my skin.  It was glorious.  And it had the effect that I for some reason stayed calmer in all the stressful situations through the day.  Perhaps it let a little crack of my female serenity come through.

Anyhoo it was an incredible beautiful day, and very naughty sexy.  Though t here was a moment when I thought one girl I work with might have cought on.  She had placed her hand on my back while we were looking at some reports at my desk.  it was right where the band of the bra was.  She didnt seem to notice, and didnt react.. so I think I got away with it.... Perhaps I will do it again sometime... it was a thrill

Shoes...arrrrrgh

Ok.. so to me.. nothing helps to complete my self image of the inner me, than a nice pair of high heels or slutty boots..... but like most things in the universe there is a catch.... I have size 10 man feet... which works out to be like a size 14 gurl size...... and does any store carry nice sexy heels and boots in that size... nope... so I am at a loss to find shoes readily available.  What is a gurl to do?????

questions of future

As you may have read, last year marked a significant point in my life where I finally came out to my wife that I enjoy dressing as a woman.  And for her part she has accepted it, and even helped me to embrace it more.  We have gone clothing shopping, had girl dates, even had romantic dinners and sex all while I was Enfemme... So you would think.. hey this one has made it... this person has it all.  Yet still fears exist.  I still often find myself worrying that it somehow lessens me in her eyes (though she has never given any indication of such) or that she somehow thinks me a freak somehow ( again my own fears here).

So while I embrace the delight of being able to dress when I choose, each time I am left with the fears that it may affect our relationship.  Each time confusion, and doubt taint the joy of this special time, and I wonder if it is the same for others like me.

The light at the end

Ahhhhhhh... almost there.  Been a crazy spring for business travel, and I cant even remember when I last slept in my own bed.  The spring tours are usually a fun time and this one had its ups and downs.   The problem is that when I am on the tour I have to be the me society expects... my job kinda depends on it... so I dont have time to switch him off and let my inner vixen out to play or relax. 

But now at last the tour is over and soon I will be home.  i get almost giddy when I think on it.   Soon Ill be back to my satin sheets, frilly panties, sexy stockings, and piles of lingerie.....lol... I may just have to pile it on the bed and roll around in it.  But what to do first?????

I am thinking of a nice bottle of shiraz, and some chocolate covered strawberries, a hot bath with lots of bubbles.  A couple of razors to remove the fur of the trip.... then do my hair all pretty, open up the makeup drawer and let my artistic flair go wild.... some sxy perfume... then once the heat of my body has dissapated from the bath, slide on my pink lace bra and panties, the matching garter of course is next... some fishnets, and over top my satin dress..mmmmmmmmm i can just feel the shimmery fabric against my already...... I soooo cant wait.... all thats missing is company...to play with


A question to the universe and other CD's

What do you do when you know you cant be either the person you were born as, or the person you think you should be?   For so long I have tried to reconcile these two differnt people.  I like who I am as a man when I am a man, when I step out of him and bring on my ladyness I like her.... The trouble is.. as a man i see only the man, yet at times feel as the woman feels.. her thoughts her emotions.  When I become the woman I look in the mirror and see only a man in beautiful cothes... no sleek, no sexyness.. just blockish manliness under satin layers and makeup.  I dont want to lose my man side.. i just wish I could feminize it a bit so that perhaps the inner lady would be seen as well.

So unfair

There are days like today that seem so unfair.  About 5 weeks ago I was attacked while coming out of a bar downtown... the reason for the attack you might ask... simply because I am a cross-dresser.  Three boozed up guys saw me standing waiting for my taxi, began to push me around and call me names.. and then for no reason at all... beat me.  i was fortunate that one of the bouncers saw it and came to my aid.  They broke my nose, my jaw, three ribs, my right forearm, and gave me a mild concussion.  Along with bruises and cuts over the surface of my body.  The other casualties.. my beautiful blue dress, and my feeling of security, personal independence, and mental happiness.  And as you read this you would think like any compassionate human.. wholly crap batman that's awful.... but wait.. that's not the truly bad part.

After the 4 surgeries, and visits to the plastic surgeon, and the weeks of recovery... I nervously went for the trial date of the accused attackers.... and what do you suppose happened.. the judge decides that since I have no witnesses to the event.. and that the bouncer only saw the men fleeing as he ran out... that there was not enough evidence to charge them... that the camera that captured the beating, was not evidence of sufficient quality to pursue punishment.

He stated that he was sorry for my pain..... as he banged the gavel to dismiss the case and let my attackers free

Darkness ever falling

Despair, sadness, pain and anguish, fear, shame.... People sometimes ask me what does it feel like to be a person that crossdresses.  And I usually begin with that very sentence.  Sure, when I am dressed up and feeling pretty I have moments of beauty and bliss, but when the initial glow fades you realize that you are alone sitting in your room.  Alone.. because society labels you a freak, abnormal, outcast, or strange.  You exercise your right to be who you want to be, and yet are a prisoner none-the-less for it.  If you are brave enough or strong enough you take your world and thrust it out into society, and with luck and hope you manage to carve a niche out there for yourself.  But more often than not.. you end up like me... attacked both verbally and physically... your body beaten, your faith shaken, and your hopes of standing freely, shattered, as you sink back into the world within your room.  Your safe haven.

Why are we as a people so afraid of what is different?  Is it all the years of propaganda and TV that says different is bad that does it, or are we as a whole just too self destructive as a people?  I wish I knew.  Why cant we just look at the person that is different and say to them... maybe I dont like how you look or what you believe or how you live your life... but as long as it does not harm anyone else.. I support your right to do it.

I have two lives... and I love them both.  I have my man side.. he deals wit hthe daily work and the world around me.  He is the protector and provider to my family.  He is the person that might be teaching your kid baseball, or fighting to change laws.  He is a loving father, a loyal husband, a trusted friend.  I have my Lady side.  She lets me explore the softer side of my personality, to embrace emotions, to look at the world differently.  She enjoys the soft flowing dresses, the hug of a new bra or corsett.  She is gentle and willing to listen to you if your day has been bad.  She is the person that will do anything to help you.  Both these people are me, and they get along just fine.  i will admit that sometimes sadness comes in that I cannot perfect bringing my lady from inside to out.  But that is just a fact of life, as there is only so much you can accomplish when transforming. 

But if I am happy with these people living in my body, and happy to display them to the world... why cant that world be happy to see them?  Or if not happy.. why cant it just accept that they are there and let me live my life?  I sit today watching the rain... being beautiful not even in the cards as I wait for the bruises, the breaks, cuts, and scrapes to heal.  As I sip my glass of wine and try to numb out the flashbacks from the attack.  Trying not to let go of the beautiful lady within, to the horrors the worl delivers to me.. and those like me... just because we are different... just because our path is not the same as everyone elses.... just because I am a crossdresser...

Happy New Year

Well here it is 2013.... we have made it through the supposed Rapture, the Zombie invasion, and yes even the Myans end of days.... so whats next?

Well I admit I was a little down yesterday... well ok.. a lot.... but decided that I cant change people, their views, or their manners.  So instead I will just take each day and have fun.  With that in mind i went panty shopping today.  I love boxing day sales.....I must have bought 20 pairs of panties and 10 bras today.. as well as other intimates.  I have spent my entire evening trying on the new items and decided which outfite they go with best... add in the 2 bottles of Shiraz and yep.. its been awesome

Only thing missing is perhaps a well endowed stranger or buxom lass to ravish me.... takers?????

Fractured Reflectionss

Dec 31 2012......  Happy New Year everyone...... except me that is....

While this has been a wonderful year in the fact that I came out to my wife, and she accepted me as a man that likes to crossdress.  Heck she even takes me shopping now, and fully interacts with my other personality.  The problem is still me.......

No matter how much makeup, or hair, or pretty clothes I wear... it is still that same masc face looking back from the mirror.  I try to push the image aside and see the lady that lives within... but no matter the effort... my exterior is what it is...  I am the ugly duckling, but there is no swan for me to become.  I may put on pretty feathers, and in my mind be transformed... but Im still just a duckling in a pretty package.

I guess I shouldent be in this mood.  But recently I was in a chat room and some comments have made me kinda sad.  But I suppose in order to understand them.. you need some background info.  Here we go... I am a 43 year old man, six foot two.. two hundread and thirty pounds, and very masculin....  Im sure there are many people that this sounds ideal to.. and in many ways it is.  And it should be noted that I do love my masc side... but as you can guess from this last statement.. it is not my only persona side.... no indeed... for I.. am also a man that enjoys crossdressing.  I thrill in the luxury of satin and silk, panties and bras, slips and garters... from ladies suits to fetish wear.. I love it.  And within me there is a mental picture of the lady inside me.  An image I can never achieve.  Since my job is in the government I must keep this side of my life to myself for the most part.  Which means no drastic alterations such as removal of the body hair that covers most of me.

So with that being said.. I return tothe chat room topic.  Here I was in a room for Crossers to talk... I finally have the nerver to dress and be on camera... At first I am scared.. what if I am recognised... ect ect... you can imagine... but I push it aside.  For several moments I just watch the chat untill decided I will say hello.  It is then that I am noticed.. the number of people watching my camera grows.. there are hellos and welcomes.. Iam thrilled.. finally a time for Marcy... and just as I begin to relax the comment comes through.....

Hay Marcy... looks like you need a shave... youre looking kinda manish.....

While outwardly I give no perception of my inner thoughts I feel the wave crush me.  I give a quick reply of not being able to do it regularly, ect ect.....   But my mind is screeming at me... "Why cant I just be?"  Why cant I find a place to be accepted?.... What can I do?

And so here I am...days have passed since the chat... and my feelings of being a fractured person grow stronger.  I am my masc side... it is part of who I am and dont wish it to be gone.  It is responsible for my marriage and my job, and my children.  I also love my femm side... it gives me pleasure, and softness, and ways to deal with stress that my other side cant......

But as I look to the mirror once more... I am content with neither....

1-13 of 13 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Prancing in pilferred panties, posted February 9th, 2014
Prosthetic hunting, posted February 7th, 2014
Holiday madness, posted January 2nd, 2014
Holiday madness, posted January 2nd, 2014
The confusion of acceptance, posted December 21st, 2013
desires, posted December 1st, 2013
A little at work, posted July 9th, 2013, 2 comments
Shoes...arrrrrgh, posted July 6th, 2013
questions of future, posted July 1st, 2013
The light at the end, posted June 13th, 2013
A question to the universe and other CD's, posted June 7th, 2013
So unfair, posted May 20th, 2013
Darkness ever falling, posted April 23rd, 2013
Happy New Year, posted January 1st, 2013
Fractured Reflectionss, posted December 31st, 2012, 1 comment

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